This is not an easy subject which is one of the reasons for why I rarely have told anyone about my own experience when it comes to it. It has been several years since it happened, and have managed to stay out of similar situations since. Until recently when I was reminded of what a horrible feeling it can be.

These two occasions for me have both involved alcohol, the first time I was drunk, not that it’s an excuse.
You could argue that it was my own fault since I had been making out with him in the bathroom, giving him ideas earlier in the evening.
You could argue that since I decided to spend the night, in his bed, it was my own fault.
You could argue that I shouldn’t have let him get me out of my clothes in the first place.

You can always say no. You can, but it wont always matter if you say no or not. I was drunk, it felt good, atleast in part, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t stop moaning between saying no, and I didn’t protest properly when he got the rubber out, I guess?
I think I was in luck. The rubber broke and when he thought it’d be a good idea to get a new one I hurried out of bed fetched my clothes and left the room. I guess it’s needless to say that I don’t remember having any contact with him again after that experience.
Since it was an early sexual experience for me, who knows, maybe I got branded enough ’cause of it, to not say no? To not think about it in those terms and just carry on. I’ve even cried through sex since I’ve been forcing myself to it.

I stopped with that though. I learnt that I have to take care of myself and set myself in the first room. I became more open about my sexuality in a way, and made sure that the people I was dating knew that I wasn’t promissing anything. Which in turn would make it easier when and if I would want to say no to sexual interaction. I’m also working on communicating better about what I do and do not want, which can be confusing in an exploring state.

It’s not always easy to learn from experience. I know that when I met Gene, which is actually 7 years after the incident I just talked about, I was afraid of forcing myself to do something without being sure. At the same time it wasn’t about not wanting to. It was more about wanting to take a little bit of time before I did. It has worked out well though. I love him, I’m pretty sure he loves me, and we have a good realtionship.

Remember, we don’t always know what things in life affects us. It can take years and years of odd behaviour before we accknowledge that it infact is caused by something that’s happended to us in an earlier time in our lives. Take it easy out there, don’t be afraid to explore nor to say no!

This is not an easy subject which is one of the reasons for why I rarely have told anyone about my own experience when it comes to it. It has been several years since it happened, and have managed to stay out of similar situations since. Until recently when I was reminded of what ...